Why Connection Matters

Watch this video: it may change your life! Connection matters: we are neurobiologically wired to function for this, it is our purpose, why we are here. Just listen when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak; when you ask people about stories of belonging they will tell you about when they have been excluded. Many of us are disconnected. Recent research indicates that people just don't care about other people any more; whilst the researchers conclude that this is due to social isolation or perhaps not reading enough fiction. I believe it is down to our inability to feel connected.

The fear of disconnection reveals itself in the emotion of shame. 'I'm not worthy of connection' or 'I'm not good enough'. Which gives us a catch 22 situation: because to be connected as a human being and feel a strong sense of love and belonging, we need to open ourselves to 'excrutiating vulnerability' (sic). For connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen.

In Rene Brown's research, the 'wholehearted' as she refers to those who have a deep sense of connection, love and belonging, have one simple difference to those who really struggle for this: they believe they are worth of it.  It is our fear that we're not worthy of connection that keeps us out of connection.

To become 'wholehearted' all you need is:

1. Courage - its true meaning being 'whole heart', and the courage to be imperfect
2. Compassion - but be compassionate with yourself first, and only then can you have compassion for others
3. Connection - but this only comes from a willingness to be your authentic self, a willingness to let go of who you should be and be who you really are (can you see why you need point 2) above first!!)
4. Vulnerability - and fully embrace it! believe that what makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful

This means that you need to have a willingness to say 'I love you' first: even when you don't know the outcome. To be willing to invest in a relationship that may not work out.

Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear but it is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

But we have the most elaborate defences. We numb ourselves to stop ourselves feeling vulnerable, and to help ourselves deal with it we eat too much or drink too much .... But in doing this, we numb joy, gratitude, happiness and then we feel more miserable so we eat or drink more!

We also use blame. We blame others and take secret delight in attributing blame, because blame is a way to discharge our pain and discomfort. (just watch political discourse in action to see this!).
And we pretend that what we do, doesn't have a huge impact on others.

And we do all this because we want to make the uncertain, certain. We can't live with grey, or 'neti neti' (not this, not that). We need black and white, we need 'I'm right, you're wrong'.

When all we need to do is to let ourselves be seen - deeply and vulnerably. To love with our whole hearts even though there are no guarantees. To practice gratitude and joy as an everyday experience.

And to believe that we are enough.